On the Road Again

Well. It is summer in Canada. A short event. I am a teacher so I finally get some time off. I am once again on the road. Last summer I went down the west coast from Vancouver to LA and then over to Las Vegas and back up to Calgary. I enjoyed it so much that I decided to road-trip my whole summer away this year.

I love the freedom of the road trip. No day-to-day drudgery of life at home without Dave. No physical reminders of his absence. No music festivals without him, no time at the cabin without him, no barbeques without him, no summer patios without him etc etc.
I am running away from my missing him. And I am totally fine with that. I don’t want to live in it. I want to avoid it. I want to miss him in a way that doesn’t trigger the past. I want to create new memories of new places. I want to see the world on my terms. Besides, I love to travel. I love to see new places.

So, this year, I am on a cross-Canada road-trip. I have driven out of Alberta, across Saskatchewan and Manitoba and am now most of the way through Ontario. My goal is to see and experience the Atlantic Ocean. So several more provinces and one state are yet to come!

I have the lovely opportunity to travel with my half-sister. She too is a widow. We have never spent this kind of time together. It is a new experience for both of us. She is 16 years older than me so had left home by the the time I was a real kid with memories. So far, so good!!

Across the praireis to the Canadian Shield, we were able to visit and stay with several people that I haven’t seen in years. Some were her friends and family, some were mine. It has been interesting and somehow soul nourishing. These people knew me long before either of my husbands. They knew me as me – alone and on my own, as I am now, and they totally accept me for whom I am and have become.

There is something very special about re-connecting with people you grew up with. There is an unconditional acceptance that is hard to find elsewhere. At least that has been my experience. It is hard to articulate the experiences I have had with people from my long-ago past.

Now, we are away from anyone we know for a while. We are staying in motels and watching this big beautiful country pass by. We talk and talk and sing and remember and look out at the beautiful views.

This is one big, beautiful world we live in - and it is so good to be reminded of that truth.

Long Lasting Grief. Where's the Long Lasting Relief?

I’ve read many a blog entry over the last year or so and have always been amazed, scared and a little doubting of how long the grief lasts. I would think: how could the second year possibly be worse or as bad as the first? Well – now I am in my second year - I am at 1 year and 3 months and I still feel like shit. I still feel grief very deeply. It doesn’t limit my ability to function like it used to, nor do I lose control as waves knock me over, but it is still there every day. I still feel so raw and wounded. I still feel the weight of it. It is like I get up in the morning with this metal weight chained to my body. I drag the damn thing everywhere. Everything is effort. I tire easily. Some things are just too much effort, so I don’t do them. I lay down instead. It is all so much work. All the details, all the paper work. The endless cooking, eating, cleaning, bathing. It feels tedious and pointless.

Then there is the expectation to be “over it”. This comes from my friends, colleagues, and family and even from myself. Others don’t seem to understand that I am still struggling. That the pain is just beneath the surface. That joy is a lost quality. That the future is a huge unfathomable wasteland. That the present feels unmanageable.

I actually watched the news last Friday night. (I do have glimmerings of interest in the world. I do make an effort to ask others how they are doing.) In the news is the idea some guy calculated, that the world was going to end the next day. I was shocked at my internal first reaction: relief and gratitude. Oh my god…

Someone, please tell me that it gets better: that we find a reason to live and live fully.

Isolation - It's Starting to Melt Away

It has been a very long time since I wrote anything in my blog. I have been isolating myself and hiding either in my work or my bedroom.

I have been working 45 to 60 hours a week, and then I crash and lay in my bed watching mindless tv, playing solitaire on my laptop. I do not call anyone, I do not answer calls, I do not answer emails, I don’t go out anywhere. I have been isolating myself big-time.

I went to an open AA meeting last week with a dear friend who is a recovered alcoholic. The idea being that I might get something out of the sharing. I did. It was when one alcoholic talked about the self-pity and the isolating behaviours she went through after stopping drinking and the effect it had on her life. I swallowed hard, I had tears welling up in my eyes. I related 100% to all that she was saying. I left feeling that I now need to put some of those work hours into me. I deserve my time and attention and so do others. I need to reach out and go out no matter how much I don’t want to. Why? Because I am truly unhappy shut up in my room. I truly am miserable and my lifestyle is not helping.

So here I am. I am like the bear, slowly waking and returning to life after a winter of sleeping in darkness. I am a little bit grumpy and hungry for something different than my own self- pity and grief.

Hello out there.