The Holidays

Well, I feel like I made it through the holidays intact. I distracted myself with dinners and visits and keeping busy. I have been off work since December 17th, that’s 13 days so far. Where did the time go?
I spent the first 6 days cleaning my house, visiting friends and preparing for our Christmas Eve dinner. I had an old high school friend join me on the 23rd and stay until the 29th. It was a great distraction. I had 12 people to dinner on Christmas Eve and it was a lot of preparation and I think all had a good time. I didn’t last the night. I went to bed and left the next generation to clean up. God love them for picking up where I dropped out!
Christmas Day I was able to watch my 2-year-old granddaughter have the first Christmas that she understood. She was a joy to watch: the pure joy and pleasure at the receiving of gifts and even at the giving of gifts. She is such a doll. She is the only one who can bring a true smile to my face.
I spent a couple of days visiting with old friends and then a couple of days with just my high school buddy. We talked and talked. It was good. I am trying to figure out who I am now. Old friends help me to remember who I was in the past which I think will help with the future.
I thought of Dave and of T all the time as always and I missed their presence, but I managed to avoid a big melt down or a big slide into depression.
I read many widow blogs, looking for “companionship” with my grief. I feel very alone with my grief these days. I am so grateful for the widow community and the sharing and honesty that are out there.
The Christmas season really makes me miss my first husband, T. We started a family together and developed our own traditions over the Christmas season. We spent 21 Christmases together. It is still, after 6.5 years, quite hard for my children and I to have a truly good time at Christmas. December also holds our wedding anniversary on the 17th (it would have been our 27th) and T’s birthday on the 27th (he would have been 58).
So, it’s all over now and I made it through in the best way that I could. Now, I head towards our wedding anniversary, and the first anniversary of Dave’s death. It was an exceptionally tough January and February last year. No anniversaries could ever be that bad. So I figure I will live through it!
Thank goodness the light is returning, ever so slightly every day, in this part of the world.

Inner Child

I’ve been thinking about my need to be held and stroked.

It is a very child-like need.

I am like a child wanting to be held in my parent’s arms.

So, I am going with that – I am looking after my inner child.


I am imaging that I am holding and stroking and comforting her.
Perhaps my need for comfort from outside myself will lessen if I care for my inner child.
Somewhere, I read something about Inner Child work – it was related to working through codependence.
The premise is that we all have an inner child that will “drive” us if her/his needs are not met.
I hope that I can provide my inner child with what she needs and that it will help me through my grief.

I've Done It Again

When my first husband died, we had been separated for 18 months. I was still very much emotionally dependant on him. About 6 months after his death, I met Dave. I fell head over heels in love with Dave. He became my emotional crutch. I needed someone to fall into with my grief and my pain and Dave was there with open arms. I was his grieving yet devoted girlfriend for several years. I eventually outgrew my grief and Dave I were alone with ourselves for only a short time before he too passed away.

So here I am 8 months out and I have again fallen in love. Not the head over heels kind like I had for Dave, but the oh please hold me kind. This desire shows me my need for comfort. But the love is not reciprocated this time. Nonetheless, I get to examine this behavior of mine. My grief wants to be held and stroked and comforted. I would usually turn to Dave for this, but he is gone and this is what I need the comfort for. I am a kinesthetic/tactile person and this lack of holding/hugging is painful for me.

Not just anyone will fill the void though; my heart is still discerning enough to pick a certain man. There is a part of me that is glad that this man doesn’t return my love. Well, he does as a friend, but he has a girlfriend so we really can’t be laying and holding each other anyways. If he were available, I’d be into another relationship without having recovered from the last. So I just have to suck it up and go it alone. (without too much self-pity)

In the words of Carol S.: Poor, poor widow me.

Birthday

It is my birthday and I have some very wonderful memories living with me. Dave and I had our “first date” on my birthday and one year later, he proposed, knee in the snow. There are a few birthdays that don’t have lasting memories and then last year, our last one together, he sent a beautiful bouquet of flowers to me at work.

That first time, it was Michelle’s and my birthday. Michelle and I had been sharing our birthdays since we met in the mid-80’s. Michelle suggested that we go out to dinner at a live music venue; have a meal and listen to some music. Her husband John was coming, so she said she’d invite Dave along as well. I had met Dave a few times before. The first time was in 1987. We’d run into each other at music functions over the years. That night, I was naïve and didn’t realize I was being “set up”. I was somewhat excited to see him though. He looked great as he entered the restaurant. He had been with his family downtown at the Japanese Restaurant to celebrate the December birthdays in his family. He’d left early to meet Michelle, John and I. His mother, Marge, says that he told them he was off to a blind date and that he was hopeful. It wasn’t so blind though, 'cause we had met before.

We had dinner, the 4 of us – the music was ‘Tres Hombres’ – Oscar Lopez, Mike Stack and Tom Phillips. All three were local, talented musicians. Great guitarists. The music was good – especially Oscar. During the music, I remember Dave looked over his shoulder at me and smiled – I still see his face –that lovely smile, those beautiful eyes. Michelle wrote our phone numbers on our doggie bags. We talked about New Years Eve there together. It wasn’t very long before Dave called and the rest is history as they say.

One year later, Dave proposed to me in the snow. What a Canadian man! We had gone to Lake Louise in Banff National Park. We were spending the Friday and Saturday night. On the Saturday, it was quite cold, but we had wanted to walk along the lake. The view was spectacular. Not too far along, but not too close to the hotel, Dave dropped to his knee in the snow and proposed marriage to me. It was so romantic: the gesture, the setting. We walked back to the hotel to toast our new status. We had a laugh as we walked along: Dave wondered if we should have champagne, or at least white wine – but we both decided, “na, lets just have a beer”. We’re so Canadian!

So today, I am without Dave and I miss him terribly. I miss him every minute of every day and life without him is just plain blah. But I know that if Dave were here, he’d make me feel special today, in his own special way.