I've Done It Again

When my first husband died, we had been separated for 18 months. I was still very much emotionally dependant on him. About 6 months after his death, I met Dave. I fell head over heels in love with Dave. He became my emotional crutch. I needed someone to fall into with my grief and my pain and Dave was there with open arms. I was his grieving yet devoted girlfriend for several years. I eventually outgrew my grief and Dave I were alone with ourselves for only a short time before he too passed away.

So here I am 8 months out and I have again fallen in love. Not the head over heels kind like I had for Dave, but the oh please hold me kind. This desire shows me my need for comfort. But the love is not reciprocated this time. Nonetheless, I get to examine this behavior of mine. My grief wants to be held and stroked and comforted. I would usually turn to Dave for this, but he is gone and this is what I need the comfort for. I am a kinesthetic/tactile person and this lack of holding/hugging is painful for me.

Not just anyone will fill the void though; my heart is still discerning enough to pick a certain man. There is a part of me that is glad that this man doesn’t return my love. Well, he does as a friend, but he has a girlfriend so we really can’t be laying and holding each other anyways. If he were available, I’d be into another relationship without having recovered from the last. So I just have to suck it up and go it alone. (without too much self-pity)

In the words of Carol S.: Poor, poor widow me.