Well. At least I’d like to be thriving. I am surviving. Surviving grief. I have lost two husbands. The second loss nearly killed me. It was cumulative. I am just coming out from under the burden of the grief to find an insecure, needy, under-confident woman who is fearful and cowardly.
I read widow blogs with relish. They feed me. They help me to feel less alone, less of a failure, to feel okay with my grief process. No one else understands like another widow understands.
However, I at times still feel like a failure. I, unlike many other widows, do not feel that I am becoming someone better, stronger, more confident post-death. This is not the case for me. I feel less than I used to be. I feel “less-than”. I am not as strong, not as confident, not as out-going. I am a shadow of myself. I am an empty shell. I have less energy, less interest in life and less ability to cope. I am needy and insecure. I am lost without my husband, my partner in life, my soulmate. I do not know how to be in the world. My children are grown and gone. I am 53 years old and still have many more vibrant years ahead. Will I ever find that vibrancy?
Don't know honey. I hope we both will. XX
ReplyDeleteGrief has its own timeline. You can not rush this new journey. Sue Bastian and I were overcome with grief when our husbands died in 2006. We were miserable until a neighbor introduced us. Sharing with a stranger the "empty shell" feeling made a difference. In fact we felt writing to each other backed off the grief at times. We would like you to join us on our blog, freshwidowsblogspot.com Your blog lightened what I felt today. Maybe ours will serve you.
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