Friday, March 15, 2013

Keep On Keepin' On




TODAY, this morning, I woke up and the first thought that ran through my head was: “Oh, hurray, I am still here!”  I feel hopeful and good and positive.


WOW!!!! 

Three years ago, I was waking up thinking the opposite.  I was thinking thoughts like: “Oh, shit, I’m still here.”  I was so sad that I just wanted life to be over, to join my darling husbands. 

This is really big for me.  I have spent the last decade in grief, full tilt boogie grief it seems.  I use the metaphor that having a spouse die is like falling down a deep dark well.  As you claw your way up, you start to see the light and the light begins to grow in size the longer you cling to the sides and make your way upward.  Well, I had just approached the top of the well I had fallen into after T’s death when Dave died and I fell all the way to the bottom again.  I didn’t even try getting out for a while.  I just laid down there and wallowed.  So, for me to feel that it is good, even great, to wake up in this world, is big! It’s a milestone.  It makes me smile. 

Now, if you have been reading my blog, you will have read that I try to make myself feel better by adding a new man to my life - to fill the emptiness.  Well, my happiness today has nothing to do with any man.  I am on my own, I live alone, I make plans alone and I am finally okay with being alone.  Hallelujah.  I have worked hard to be okay with flying solo and being a widow without a partner. 

So what have I learned about grief?  That time and self-care, self-love will help you through.  That you can get to a place where being alone is okay.  That you will survive despite your wish not to.  That life can once again be a source of joy and excitement. 

Does this mean that I have forgotten my husbands?  No.  Definitely not.  I think of them everyday.  I miss them all the time.  I honour their memories and their important dates.  I keep in contact with their parents.  I have them forever more.  I am blessed to have had them in my life.  And I know that I will have moments of grief, even paralyzing grief, in the future.  Maybe even today.  It never goes away.  But it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.  

7 comments:

  1. It's Christmas Eve it hits you so hard I wonder how many tears can you cry it's been 15 months I am thankful I got to walk straight through hell with my husband of 46 years he had cancer as all widows know some days just hurt so bad you just don't know what to do with all that pain your heart is ripped out and stomped on god bless us all

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  2. Thank you so much for your positive post. I wanted to feel that I was not the only one who has had to suffer the death of two husbands but your advice is simple, based on years of real experience and just makes sense. There is light at the end of this long tunnel and I am now slowly walking towards it. X

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  3. A DECADE???? Omg, I'm 66, charming

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  4. God has been the difference in my own life during times of loneliness, heartbreak, and pain. I know too well what it means of not getting encouraged by others and the hurt that comes from that. I've found that only God always offer encouragement and hope, much better than any human can offer. I can only imagine how it feels to be widowed. I have the taste of having a soul tie broken- I've gotten dumped in the past and it's hurt me so much in the past. The Bible teaches that a sexual relationship (whether marital or premarital) results in the man and woman becoming one (a soul tie). I believe that even emotional involvement (without having sex) also creates soul ties, but to a lesser degree than a sexual soul tie. Rejection and abandonment are all painful things. King Solomon said that everything in this world is vanity, everything is meaningless- a chasing after the wind. Eventually whatever we gain in this world (relationships, success, wealth), we lose them all at some point. There is something you can never lose though- God. God surpasses everything in our lives. Our thirsting for things in this world (especially human relationships) is evidence that we need something greater than those things to satisfy us because everything except God will end up failing you in some way. God has promised us that He will never leave us nor forsake us. God can't die on us and leave us in a state of loneliness. God won't cheat on us, dump us and go off with someone else. Whenever you feel lonely or feel that you're missing something in your life- realize that God wants to fill that void in your life. So many times I've been ignorant about the Bible. We're trained from our birth to live by our senses- thus we look to perceive God with those senses. Most of the time, we can't perceive God with our senses as He is a spiritual being. God has wanted me to develop my spiritual senses and rely on His word (the Bible) to experience Him. I've learned to always see God's word as alive, powerful, and relevant for each day. When I've failed to see that in the past, it's robbed me so much joy and peace. I've learned to look at the Bible as a powerful and active gateway/portal to God. We can try to occupy our minds with so many different things in this world to try and fill the void in our lives or suppress the pain, but all of those things will keep us still hungry and thirsty. God has promised us that if we reach out to Him, He will give us rest, quench our thirst, and satisfy our hunger. If you haven't done that, I hope you will give God a chance. I further hope that God will use you to go and reach others with His word, just like He has used me to reach out to you. Many people in this world are hurting just like you. Many are just looking for a simple act of kindness or a word of encouragement (words are powerful- they can heal and motivate or when used in an evil manner destroy others) which they don't receive from others. Ultimately, many even end their own lives because they feel hopeless and want to end their pain of torment- all because they've failed to see God was nearby all along and they failed to perceive Him with their spiritual senses. God loves you more than any human in this world! He wants to be your companion today and take care of you and your family's needs. I hope you see and explore His love for you today through the Bible- the Bible is the secret source for unraveling peace and joy for you when you can't find them in this world. I can't give you physical copy of the Bible right now, but you can freely access it online at (www.biblegateway.com). May God bless you, heal you and strengthen you and your family. Continue to write and help others for His glory. Claim God's promises to you from His word today. Humans will likely fail to encourage you when you really need it, however, God won't fail. All you need to do is turn to His word. It is available 24/7 whenever you need it- to experience God.

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  5. Please read these verses when you get the chance- Isaiah 55:11-13; Jeremiah 49:11; Psalm 146:9; Psalm 68:5; Isaiah 54:4-6; Revelation 21:1-7; Jeremiah 17:5-8; Isaiah 2:22; 1 Corinthians 7:29-35.

    http://theantisatan.blogspot.com/2015/10/what-must-you-do-to-be-saved.html

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  6. 55 Widowed twice - Struggling with it all. Lots of questions and no answers. What is the life lesson and the reasoning. One day at a time as tomorrow is too far

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  7. Hello! I would like to open cosmetology salon. Do you have an experience in this business? There are too many options in beauty salon equipment. Could you give me an advise? What companies are more reliable to buy ipl facial hair removal at home and Ultrasound facial machine?

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