Keep On Keepin' On

TODAY, this morning, I woke up and the first thought that ran through my head was: “Oh, hurray, I am still here!”  I feel hopeful and good and positive.

WOW!!!! 

Three years ago, I was waking up thinking the opposite.  I was thinking thoughts like: “Oh, shit, I’m still here.”  I was so sad that I just wanted life to be over, to join my darling husbands. 

This is really big for me.  I have spent the last decade in grief, full tilt boogie grief it seems.  I use the metaphor that having a spouse die is like falling down a deep dark well.  As you claw your way up, you start to see the light and the light begins to grow in size the longer you cling to the sides and make your way upward.  Well, I had just approached the top of the well I had fallen into after T’s death when Dave died and I fell all the way to the bottom again.  I didn’t even try getting out for a while.  I just laid down there and wallowed.  So, for me to feel that it is good, even great, to wake up in this world, is big! It’s a milestone.  It makes me smile. 

Now, if you have been reading my blog, you will have read that I try to make myself feel better by adding a new man to my life - to fill the emptiness.  Well, my happiness today has nothing to do with any man.  I am on my own, I live alone, I make plans alone and I am finally okay with being alone.  Hallelujah.  I have worked hard to be okay with flying solo and being a widow without a partner. 

So what have I learned about grief?  That time and self-care, self-love will help you through.  That you can get to a place where being alone is okay.  That you will survive despite your wish not to.  That life can once again be a source of joy and excitement. 

Does this mean that I have forgotten my husbands?  No.  Definitely not.  I think of them everyday.  I miss them all the time.  I honour their memories and their important dates.  I keep in contact with their parents.  I have them forever more.  I am blessed to have had them in my life.  And I know that I will have moments of grief, even paralyzing grief, in the future.  Maybe even today.  It never goes away.  But it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to.  

Running Away From Home

Where do I start? So much seems to have happened these past few weeks. I will have several posts to “get it all out”. I find I am constantly composing and writing in my mind. I have titles for experiences and photos. I could say that I am becoming a writer – but if I am more honest with myself, it is that I am not really engaged in my experiences. I am an outsider: observing, evaluating and recording. This is where I am right now. I am not truly engaged – everything is an expose for Dave – “Look, Dave, there is a field of strawberries” etc and I describe it all to him in my mind. It’s the endless days that I cannot share with him and I need to record it all to tell him when he gets home – only, he’s not coming home.

He’s not here with me on this epic road trip. I miss him. I wish he were by my side, seeing all that I am seeing,

My daughter, bless her, didn’t want me alone for this 24 day journey so joined me for the first 10 days. We traveled 1500 km down the Pacific coast from Victoria BC to San Francisco CA. We had a great time together. We laughed, talked, sang, played and romped like children. She listened and empathized as I talked about Dave and remembered him. We live on the prairies, beside the great Rocky Mountains, so all these seascapes and beaches and sand dunes are a real novelty. We enjoyed it all.

Yesterday, I left her at the San Francisco airport and am on my own now. Now I really miss Dave. I have 17,329 of his songs on my iPod. It is a comfort to listen to his music. While he was dying, I uploaded many of his CDs. The ones that had meaning for us: the ones we listened to together as well as others that I thought that I would like. We had the same taste in music. There was very little that we didn’t like together. So I am enjoying the music as well as feeling that a part of him is with me.

So – traveling alone – hmmm – haven’t done much of that in my life – a couple of weeks in Italy a few years ago, but I emailed Dave every night to tell him about my day. So now I have you, my dear blog. Any readers; thank you for ‘listening’.

I am spending a lot of time on the computer – catching up on 10 days worth of widow blogs. I missed my widow blog friends. They are such a comfort to me. I must get out for a walk on the beach.