Running Away From Home

Where do I start? So much seems to have happened these past few weeks. I will have several posts to “get it all out”. I find I am constantly composing and writing in my mind. I have titles for experiences and photos. I could say that I am becoming a writer – but if I am more honest with myself, it is that I am not really engaged in my experiences. I am an outsider: observing, evaluating and recording. This is where I am right now. I am not truly engaged – everything is an expose for Dave – “Look, Dave, there is a field of strawberries” etc and I describe it all to him in my mind. It’s the endless days that I cannot share with him and I need to record it all to tell him when he gets home – only, he’s not coming home.

He’s not here with me on this epic road trip. I miss him. I wish he were by my side, seeing all that I am seeing,

My daughter, bless her, didn’t want me alone for this 24 day journey so joined me for the first 10 days. We traveled 1500 km down the Pacific coast from Victoria BC to San Francisco CA. We had a great time together. We laughed, talked, sang, played and romped like children. She listened and empathized as I talked about Dave and remembered him. We live on the prairies, beside the great Rocky Mountains, so all these seascapes and beaches and sand dunes are a real novelty. We enjoyed it all.

Yesterday, I left her at the San Francisco airport and am on my own now. Now I really miss Dave. I have 17,329 of his songs on my iPod. It is a comfort to listen to his music. While he was dying, I uploaded many of his CDs. The ones that had meaning for us: the ones we listened to together as well as others that I thought that I would like. We had the same taste in music. There was very little that we didn’t like together. So I am enjoying the music as well as feeling that a part of him is with me.

So – traveling alone – hmmm – haven’t done much of that in my life – a couple of weeks in Italy a few years ago, but I emailed Dave every night to tell him about my day. So now I have you, my dear blog. Any readers; thank you for ‘listening’.

I am spending a lot of time on the computer – catching up on 10 days worth of widow blogs. I missed my widow blog friends. They are such a comfort to me. I must get out for a walk on the beach.

Music to My Ears

I am just starting to listen to music again. Here in Alberta, we have an amazing radio station, CKUA Radio Network. (online at www.ckua.org) Typically, I would have the radio on all day, listening to the great music that they play. Since Dave passed, I have been unable to listen to music. It just cuts like a knife.

Music was a big part of our life together. Dave was a big supporter of live music. He volunteered for the local Folk Festival, Jazz Festival and Blues and Roots Festival for years and years. He also volunteered for the radio station I mentioned above as their Events coordinator, organizing dance parties with live music.

We went out to live music venues frequently. We went to concerts of our favourite musicians, we volunteered for festivals and CKUA radio. So, after Dave died, I found it too painful to listen to music, but I have really missed it. Have you noticed that most songs are about love and loss? Of course you have. It can just be too painful. Then there are the songs that have meaning to our relationship. They often come from a CD that we listened to together. Just the introduction of a song can grip me with pain and emptiness.

But just recently I am noticing that I can listen to the radio or a CD for a little while. I find myself really listening to the lyrics, trying to capture the message the writer was conveying. Instrumental is great. Jazz the best.

Just after Dave died, I pledged a donation of one hour of programming at our favourite radio station. On Wednesday, the announcer played one hour of music in honour of Dave. I listened for the whole hour and heard the music that was ‘our’ music as well as some picks by the announcer. It was bittersweet. I cried several times, but it was great to honour Dave in that way. It was right for us.

Last evening I watched the DVD of Neil Young’s called Heart of Gold. I really like the lyrics of this song. I send it out to Dave.

"Falling Off The Face Of The Earth"

I just want to thank you

For all of the things you've done

I'm thinking about you

I just want to send my love

I send my best to you

That's my message of love

For all the things you did

I can never thank you enough

Feel like I'm falling

Falling off the face of the earth

Feel like I'm falling

Falling off the face of the earth

I just want to tell you

You sure mean a lot to me

It may sound simple

But you are the world to me

It's such a precious thing

That time we shared together

I must apologize

For the troubled times

Feel like I'm falling

Falling off the face of the earth

Feel like I'm falling

Falling off the face of the earth