I don’t know about you, but I have a hard time fitting my grief into any formula of phases and linear progression. Most ‘experts’ agree that grief takes its own route for each of us. I am currently in my Grumpy Phase. I have been waiting for the infamous Angry Phase, not sure that I wouldn’t explode if it arrived. My sadness has been so profound, that my anger might be outright dangerous! But the anger is quite mild, making me a grumpy old cow. The f-word is on the tip of my tongue 24/7. I am so tired of people’s trite and cliqued remarks and their assumptions about how I am or especially about how I should be. I am tired of the importance of nonsense and trivia in the world and our day-to-day lives. I find life trite and futile. I don’t see the f’n point in any of this shit. I hate getting up in the morning, I hate the routine of self care – the grocery shopping, the cooking, the cleaning etc etc, I hate going to work and pretending that it is all so interesting and purposeful. I hate coming home to where Dave is not and I hate going to bed and falling asleep alone. Maybe this really is my Hate Phase!? But it comes out as grumpy. I humph and harrumph through my days. I nod and smile. I answer the damn question, “How ARE you?” I pretend I am over it because that is what people want, but i am still so torn up inside and so shattered. I want to tell everyone to go away and leave me alone. But I don't like being alone much at all. I dislike life. I have no plans and dreams for the future – they all died with Dave. And it all just makes me so damn grumpy.
Grumpy, angry, hate phases, not caring about things - these are all valid responses to what has happened to your world -- our worlds. I haven't really been able to fit my own grief into the classic linear mode either. It seems like all sorts of feelings come at random and at unexpected moments. The anger can go away for weeks and then suddenly reappear for a couple of days, and then withdraw. I go through super-cleaning phases, then let everything slide. At 2 years and some, all I can say is that none of the emotions I feel are quite so strong or tenacious. I can talk myself out of many states of mind. However, unfortunately I can't do anything about being entirely happy with being alone and graciously accepting that reality. It's more a "begrudgingly living with it" state of mind. I think all of this stuff is enough to make anyone grumpy! (-:
ReplyDeleteOh Sweetie. This is me too.
ReplyDeleteThe only difference is that the f-word doesn't sound so good when your 6 year old repeats it so I do try and stop myself - at least in ear-shot of the kids.
But lets face it, there are few words that come close to conveying the complete and utter shite of being a widow, and the sad, "propper" widow act is beyond me, so I also don the grumpy bitch persona on regular occasions too.