I made it past the seven-month date. I seems these anniversaries have become days of reflection for me – wait – every day is a day of reflection for me. So what is it about these monthly markings? They somehow have power – I give them that power by thinking about the date. I actually missed a couple of the month-versaries earlier on; I was in such a state of fog and numbness. But as I get further away from Dave’s death, they have gained more power.
My seven-month day was filled with good things – I took my grade 5 class hiking in the mountains with many parents participating. It was a beautiful autumn day – mild, sunny, little wind. The leaves and grasses were all aglow in colour, the blue sky a sharp contrast to the yellows, golds and greens of the mountain the forest. The rocky peaks had a scattering of snow. We hiked along a creek for about 3 km. The sound of the running water, the smell of the forest, the sound of happy children’s voices were all food for the soul. I had so much fun at the lead with several of the boys behind me rallying to be first in line. Their banter and antics were so very entertaining to me. We stopped along the way to have lunch, to climb rocks and boulders, to cross the creek and explore. The hike culminated at a waterfall that was hidden by the rock cliffs. We relied on our ears to tell us that a waterfall was “back there”.
After school, I was able to get my plans for the next few days done and then I went home to change and meet Dave’s Mom and Auntie M. The three of us are widows. The three of us have been deeply affected by Dave’s death. The three of us admire and respect each other. We had a lovely dinner together during which we raised a glass in Dave’s honour.
Then, tired and worn out by the day, the week, the year. . . . I went home to bed. There, my aloneness hit me. It seems the further I get away from Dave’s actual parting, the stronger the reality that I am alone becomes. I wept as I went to sleep and now, Saturday morning I weep again. My thought is, “what do I do now?” I have no idea. So for now, I will live as best I can, try to look after myself, do my best at work and mark the days.
The hike into the mountain with your students sounds as though it was very good for you. It seems to me that these are the experiences we need to focus on to keep going.
ReplyDeleteI understand about the feeling of alone-ness in relation to the passage of time. I have always accepted Don's death, so that has never been an issue, but the "going on alone" part just seems to become increasingly wearisome. I say "wearisome" without being sure that that's the right word.
Oh wow - the hike sounds great.
ReplyDeleteI'm coming up to 7 months in a few days and from *my* perspective, I think the reality has set in. It's longer and longer since I've seen G. He isn't coming home. The fog has worn off and the edges are sharper.
Hugs