A Tried and True Motto

I haven’t written in several weeks. I am somewhat paralyzed. I haven’t been calling people, emailing or writing. There are a couple of reasons that this has happened. The first is that I have gone back to work and that takes up a lot of time. I am tired after a full day with 22 ten-year-olds! The second is that I have fallen into a depression. I find that I am able to leave the sadness at the door when I get to school and I can be upbeat and have fun with the children. I did major in Drama after all, and children really do bring me a lot of joy. But the sadness is still there, waiting for me, when I leave. It seems I cry on the way to work and I cry on the way home. I guess this isn’t too surprising. I have suffered from depression in the past and I still am a grieving widow.

Really, these two reasons are connected. Getting back to ‘regular’ life has intensified my sadness. Now I really miss Dave. This is the life I lived with him for several years, before he was subjected to that insidious, disgusting disease called cancer. My life then was: going to work from 7 to 5 and sharing the rest of my time with Dave. So now, I go to work from 7 to 5 and the rest of my life is empty. He is not here and though I am truly trying to move on and be optimistic, positive and hopeful, I really am sad and lonely and lost without him.

The mornings of cursing the fact that I have woken up have returned. The gray shadow has descended. I feel that I have regressed - I am once again ‘holing’ up in my bedroom, crying and staring at the ceiling. Not much of the world outside my door interests me.

Once again I find a little solace in the motto that I adopted 25 years ago, when my children were toddlers: This too shall pass.