I had a dream about Dave early this morning. He was sick and dying, but I wasn’t experiencing the trauma I did in real life. There were many people around; it was like a street festival outside his room. I was visiting and hugging many, many people. I kept forgetting to tell them that I was pregnant with Dave’s child. I remember at one point in the dream Dave was standing and hugging me and he was saying that he was sad that he wouldn’t be here when the baby came. I was telling him how happy I was to be having his baby; that I felt that I would still have him in my life because of it. I was looking forward to having a little Dave to take care of and be with for the rest of my life.
Sigh.
I have actually thought about this over the months since Dave’s death. I think, oh, wouldn’t it have been nice if we’d had a child? We talked about it. Dave didn’t have any children and he would have been a wonderful father. If we had met at a younger age, we probably would have had a child or two. My children are in their early 20’s and the thought of starting over at my age was not at all appealing.
Sigh.
But Dave was in one of my dreams! This is not the first, but it was the first that he was in for so long a time. It was wonderful to have him standing and hugging me and to hear his voice. Dave has only been in 2 other dreams, and after both, I woke sobbing. This time I awoke feeling peaceful.
Sigh.
Interesting dream and I'm glad that you awoke feeling peaceful. Also fascinating how there are quite a few similarities to Dan's dream (as you have pointed out in the comments on his post about a dream)!
ReplyDeleteI've had a ton of dreams these last couple of nights, but I don't really think that Don was in any of them - or if he was, the appearance was very fleeting. In the past, when I have had dreams of him, he is sort of off to one side as these are what I call the "Hospital Dreams". They are usually quite morbid and stressful and often rather too real. They seem like continuations of the last week that he spent in ICU. I sometimes wonder if I would feel differently if he had died at home instead of sedated and on a ventilator in ICU? It would be nice to have a pleasant dream some day.
Bev,
ReplyDeleteI hope that someday you do have that pleasant dream. Dave was in the Palliative ICU about a month before he died for 2 weeks. . It was incredibly stressful - actually, I would call it traumatizing. Everyone was in "crisis mode". I am sorry to hear that that type of scenario held your final days with Don. Thank goodness for the good memories! I would rather forget the last 4 months of Dave's battle with cancer, but at the same time, I learned so much about myself and we learned so much about our love for each other.
Yes, I think you could call a lot of what we went through with our spouses quite traumatizing. I recognize some of my own long-term feelings as being typical of those who suffer from PTSD - for example, I haven't been to the dentist since Don died as the suction thing sounds just like the ventilator and I can't stand hearing that noise even for a second now. If I hear anyone coughing in a way that is similar to my husband's cough, it makes me feel panic-stricken. The sight of various objects practically make me ill. I find that now I try to exert a lot of control over my life - where I am, the sounds I have to listen to, etc... I've been through this whole thing a couple of times now (my dad and Don) so I've come to feel that enough is enough. I don't want to see any more of this stuff! I probably sound like a bit of a nut, but that's just how I feel these days. I'd rather be here by the river, or in the desert, or somewhere else away from all of these very loaded sights and sounds.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time, I feel as you do - the last months spent with Don were very special to me - we had a lot of good talks and silences too.
Wow. Just ... wow!
ReplyDeleteI'm jealous as a metter of fact. I've had the dreams where I wake sobbing ...and I actually had a prophetic dream a month or so before he G died, but not this sort of dream.
So glad for you that you had this dream.
hugs
Hi Dorthea. I just wanted to stop by and say hello. Interesting dream. The part of having a child, which in effect would bring some of Dave's spirit, or energy, back to this life is strong. Michael often said he wished he had had a child. When we first got together we talked about the idea of his having a child with someone, as it was important for him to have a biological child. Then again, I already had three, and he was sort of the surrogate father to his who nieces and nephew.
ReplyDeleteI often fall into wishing there was some other way to keep part of Michael alive with me. I know that he is constantly an influence for me, and that I have taken on many of his good qualities. Yet, I do wish I had something a bit more concrete.
Dan