Here I sit in a motel room in Morro Bay, CA. I was out and about earlier today – I went down to the waterfront. I had a lovely latte and some frittata beside the marina and gazed at Morro Rock. It was another cold and windy day so instead of walking the beaches, I went shopping. OMG – I don’t shop, but cruising the galleries is soothing and inspiring. I am always intrigued and marveled by the creativity of others. But I also bought a pair of shoes and some jewelry. WTF – jewelry?! I rarely wear the stuff – I am always worried that I will lose it. So here I am spending too much money on jewelry that I will probably not wear. Oh well. Happy Birthday to me – I do have a birthday this year!
I feel better about traveling alone today. I am not so self conscious and uneasy. It could be that I had a good sleep last night. What a difference that makes. Since Dave’s death, I have been amazed at the loss of confidence I have experienced. I am typically a very independent woman. I go places alone, I make decisions by and for myself as well as others. I can hammer and nail and saw. I know how to call the plumber. But since Dave’s death, I have felt very vulnerable. My confidence has slipped and my strength has gone from none existent to evasive. I have avoided public places and encounters with others like the plague. Then, around month 4 was able to get out and do things, but often would just put my head down and "get at it". Today was a good day. I chatted up the waitress, the cooks, the clerks and some people on the street. The town of Morro Bay has a nice laid-back feel and it was easy to do. But it didn’t last long. I was back at the motel by mid-afternoon. I needed rest.
So, here I sit, on Dave’s side of the bed. If I sat on my side, I would miss him too much, I would look at the empty space and feel the loss of him. So I am sitting on his side. There is no room for him now. And now I feel guilty for putting that in black and white. I guess I just need a rest from everything – including my grief. That is why I have run away from home.
Traveling seemed to help me get used to being alone again. That said, at times it made me fatigued. I remember a particular day - when I had driven from Carson City, NV, down to Ridgecrest, CA - a teriible drive after miscalculating the time and making a side trip to Bodie ghost town. I ended up staying in Ridgecrest a second night as I was feeling so worn out. I did a trip out to Trona Pinnacles, and stopped to get some food, but then came back to the motel and slept for hours the second night. I really needed to recharge before going onward. I think this is a part of the grief process - needing time to rest and be alone from time to time.
ReplyDeleteI find that grief really takes it out on my energy. The thought of workign full time next year scares me.
ReplyDeleteGood on you for getting outthere and travelling.