Where do I start? So much seems to have happened these past few weeks. I will have several posts to “get it all out”. I find I am constantly composing and writing in my mind. I have titles for experiences and photos. I could say that I am becoming a writer – but if I am more honest with myself, it is that I am not really engaged in my experiences. I am an outsider: observing, evaluating and recording. This is where I am right now. I am not truly engaged – everything is an expose for Dave – “Look, Dave, there is a field of strawberries” etc and I describe it all to him in my mind. It’s the endless days that I cannot share with him and I need to record it all to tell him when he gets home – only, he’s not coming home.
He’s not here with me on this epic road trip. I miss him. I wish he were by my side, seeing all that I am seeing,
My daughter, bless her, didn’t want me alone for this 24 day journey so joined me for the first 10 days. We traveled 1500 km down the Pacific coast from Victoria BC to San Francisco CA. We had a great time together. We laughed, talked, sang, played and romped like children. She listened and empathized as I talked about Dave and remembered him. We live on the prairies, beside the great Rocky Mountains, so all these seascapes and beaches and sand dunes are a real novelty. We enjoyed it all.
Yesterday, I left her at the San Francisco airport and am on my own now. Now I really miss Dave. I have 17,329 of his songs on my iPod. It is a comfort to listen to his music. While he was dying, I uploaded many of his CDs. The ones that had meaning for us: the ones we listened to together as well as others that I thought that I would like. We had the same taste in music. There was very little that we didn’t like together. So I am enjoying the music as well as feeling that a part of him is with me.
So – traveling alone – hmmm – haven’t done much of that in my life – a couple of weeks in Italy a few years ago, but I emailed Dave every night to tell him about my day. So now I have you, my dear blog. Any readers; thank you for ‘listening’.
I am spending a lot of time on the computer – catching up on 10 days worth of widow blogs. I missed my widow blog friends. They are such a comfort to me. I must get out for a walk on the beach.
Hi Dorthea. I'm so glad you mentioned your blog, as I didn't know you had started one. I apologize, as my move prevented me from having the time to focus on what other's are writing in their blogs. I just read several of your posts, and love the way you are expressing yourself. You speak with such honesty, which is something I greatly admire. Be gentle on your trip, as so much is still so raw for you. I'm glad that your shared music is giving you so much peace, and a sense of connection.
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I am in awe of you travelling alone. Greg and I always wanted to caravan our way around Australia in another 15 or so years. I can't ever see me doing that alone ... and yet I want to go.
ReplyDelete...and yes - widows "get it". So good to hear from other people in the same hell hole.
Hugs
I'm so glad you decided to go traveling for awhile. For some of us, I think going to new (and old) places can be very helpful and healing. For myself, it was like hitting a reset button that helped me to start over - living for myself again. That doesn't mean that Don was left behind, but that a line was drawn between the illness and death, and the beginning of my life alone. Have a wonderful trip. Hope you got the emails I sent and that some of those suggestions will be of use to you. Take care.
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