More Rain and Gloom

Widowhood is a gloomy place for me right now. The weather has been cool and rainy and the spirit is listless. So the days drag by, filled with little, or at least little that I remember. My memory is terrible right now.

I have no desire to be with people. It hurts too much. I miss him too much. I just feel his absence far too much. It’s just all TOO MUCH!!

People have generally been good. I get a some phone calls and some invitations out. I can handle the small intimate get togethers for short spurts, but can’t seem to be in large gatherings for any length of time. I have become accustomed to crying in public.

I was invited to a good friend’s “Last Waltz” party; a house cooling party, I guess. But when I saw the guest list on the evite, I had an anxiety attack – that was the end of that.

I have been very reclusive; I spend a lot of time in my bedroom. I have done a lot of good grieving work there: organizing photos of Dave and of our time together; writing letters to Dave; chronicling our time together. Also: staring at the ceiling, crying a lot, watching endless CSI episodes (thank you Spike TV for killing time for me). I creep through Facebook, read widow and widower blogs and cruise the internet. I sleep. There have been days that I haven’t left my bedroom. These are lessening as time goes by.

I must admit that the clutter is getting to me though – my mail, my laundry, both clean and dirty, my boxes of stuff from Dave’s house, my papers, magazines, dirty cups, dishes and wine glasses..…and I’m out of chocolate! I don’t eat well, but I do manage to surround myself with the best of comforts: chocolate, coffee, red wine and sudoku puzzles.

But oh, I miss Dave so much. I want to touch him - touch his face and look into his beautiful eyes, hear him laugh and talk and tell him about my days and my conversations with people. I want to tell him that I love him and that he should never leave me and that I will spend the rest of my life loving him. I want to feel his arms around me. I want help with the crossword puzzle and to disagree about what to watch on the TV and where to go for dinner. I want to go CD shopping with him and hear of all his encounters in the world. I miss him in every way possible.

I try to be positive, but I usually fail miserably. So, tonight, I raise my glass of wine and say: Here’s hoping for better days. Here’s to loving a beautiful man.