Widowsquared – why widow-squared? Well, I am 52 years old and have been widowed twice. What are the odds of that? Pretty slim I imagine.
So why not widowed twice? - If you are at all familiar with math and the difference between 2x and x squared, you know that one is much larger than the other. My grief through this second death of my second husband has not been easy – my grief has escalated exponentially. Thus squared.
Even though my second husband was in my life for only 5 years, and my first for 25, this second death has hit me hard. It’s an accumulation thing I think. I had just started to feel that I had “gotten over T.” when Dave died. I had emerged from the deep dark well of widowhood only to be thrown down there again a short time later.
It has been pretty easy for me to feel sorry for myself. What widow or widower doesn’t at some point in the process? Dave has been gone 129 days; that is 4 months, one week and 2 days. I miss him terribly. He was the light of my life.
This is a poem that was in my head upon waking one morning:
My man
My love
The light of my life
My shining light
My beacon
You led the way
You took the lead
I am lost without you.
I am lost every minute of every day. I go to sleep thinking of Dave and I wake thinking of him. Actually, my first thought when I wake is: "Shit, I’m still here." It is very hard to be the one left behind. At this point in my grief, I would rather be with him. Life has no meaning or purpose right now. Nothing is of interest nor important. The depression is palatable.
Why did I start this blog? - I am selfish, I need to express myself, I need process this through the written word. Also, I have gained so much from other widow/ers blogs, that I thought that I would jump in too.
Can I post every day? - not so sure on that one - I have no routine right now and get very little done. But I will try.
Hugs honey.
ReplyDeleteI woke up this morning... late ... and thinking that G and the kids were making a lot of noise in the loungeroom. Except it was just the kids. The thought that I'd never wake up to that happy sound of G playing with the kids again hit me like a freight train. ...and I too would rather be with him ... except for two small reasons why I have to live.
What you wrote really hit me emotionally. About just getting out of sleep, and for a split second, forgetting that the loss happened :( I had moments like those just after my brother died.
DeleteI know you posted this several years back, and I hope the years since have been kinder to you, that you've found joy in life again. I wish you all the best
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI read your post. I am a male also widowed twice. My first wife was with me 17 years. My second wife died 12/15/12 after 6 years of marriage.
Everyline that you wrote, I feel the same way for both of the people that left me.
H
I thought I was going mad until I did some research. I met my first wife to be in 1992 and married in 2001. She passed away from cancer in 2007 and for the next two years I turned into a basket case. I met a wonderful lady in 2009 and we really made each other. I pushed my fear at losing my second wife as far back in my mind as I could. Then on June 30 2013 she all of a sudden collapsed in my arms and passed away there and then. My biggest fear right there in my arms. I am now petrified at meeting someone again and my life seems so futile. After reading this page I feel that what I am going through is normal under the circumstances. All my second wives friends are grieving as I am but everyone who knows me has said that I cant believe that it has happened to me twice. These two processes are completely incomprehensible to me and I am relieved that there are others feeling the very same way. I am not going mad. I am trying so hard to just push forward.
ReplyDeleteI was widowed for the 2nd time 6 weeks ago. I am 46 years old and widowed twice. I recall the disbelief and horror of being widowed WHAT? AGAIN? Who the hell gets widowed twice in one lifetime?! And at such a young age? I still go from disbelief to sadness to denial to anger. The anger is close to rage. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Yet, I have no enemies. Therefore, I can't help but ask - WHY ME? Seriously?!!! I know that I will get over soon - been there; done that. But it's much harder as we age. I was first widowed at 23 (with 2 young sons). No - no, poor-pitiful me here. Just WTF?! Oh, and between the deaths was a 3-year marriage to a complete ex-hole! Just venting. We all know that we all need that or we wouldn't be here.
ReplyDeleteI was widowed at 29 when my husband died of cancer. Two years later I met and married a wonderful man and we had two beautiful sons. I was 38 when he died in 1998, and my children were 4 and 5 years old. I haven't had a relationship since and haven't dated at all since 2006. Sometimes you just can't risk what life may throw at you.
DeleteI am so glad to find a forum like this I am 43 and widowed twice too, what baffles me is the fact both my husbands were with me for 9 years, they died together with a girla child and left me with a boy child, how the hell am I supposed to raise two boys alone? Damn life
DeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am also widowed twice. I lost my first husband at 47 after 17+ years of marriage. He had a genetic disease and I knew he would die young, but I loved him. I met an absolutely amazing widower 6 months later and married him a year after we met. Less that 3 years later, he died unexpectedly. That was about 14 1/2 months ago. I had never been happier than I was with my second husband, even though my first marriage was a good one. I hate being miserable and I hope to find another wonderful love...when I am ready.
ReplyDeleteI'm widow twice, my first husband died after 1 year at the hospital, I married at 16 had 2 girls. I widowed at 22 my girls 3 and 4 years old.
ReplyDeleteAfter 8 years I married again two more girls and my husband had cancer and died after 21 years together.
Both born in August and both died in April.
I lost my second husband when I was 51 years old.
I was looking in my family and most of women are widow or divorced.
I don't understand what happened with me and my family.
My grandmother was widow, my mother divorced, I have two aunts both are widow. I have four daughter , two married one is divorce .
Could you some one explain why?
hi,
DeleteSorry for your loss. I too am widowed twice. I posted the Mar 1 but appears this site is no long active....
D
I windowed twice. Twice in one life time. once was enough. I miss them both so much. This cannot be all for nothing So many question to which there are no answers. I don't understand.. I just shake me head so surreal
ReplyDeleteI too am widowed twice, first at 27 and 7 1/2 years of marriage, we had three children. That was in 2000, in 2002 I married my second husband who had two boys and we had one together. He passed away in January 2016, after 14 years of marriage. I am having the hardest time with this. I miss them both and love them. I just never fathomed losing two spouses and leaving my children having lost two dad's.I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteI too am widowed twice, first at 27 and 7 1/2 years of marriage, we had three children. That was in 2000, in 2002 I married my second husband who had two boys and we had one together. He passed away in January 2016, after 14 years of marriage. I am having the hardest time with this. I miss them both and love them. I just never fathomed losing two spouses and leaving my children having lost two dad's.I am sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'd like to give you all my condolences. I have not been widowed, but it's a huge fear. I sometimes wonder if my family's cursed.
ReplyDeleteMy Aunt has been widowed twice, my mom was widowed once. She remarried, but now has alcohol induced dementia from drinking so much after my only brother, her only son died.
My mom had 5 siblings. One brother was put up for adoption, so I don't know if he's alive or not, the other brother died, one sister died, so out of that family the only living ones are my widowed aunt, my brain damaged mom, and my "lucky" aunt. She's the only one not widowed or dead... I love my husband so much. Been together since I was only 15. With all the horrid luck in my family and losses/grief I've dealt with, I'm just so scared the same thing will happen to me. I know it sounds crazy, but I do sometimes wonder if my family's cursed. Does anyone else here ever feel like that?
I will pray for all of you, and hope you find joy in your lives again.