One Foot In Front of the Other

I have appreciated the comments I have received from others. It is nice to know that others are connecting with my thoughts and experiences. A few have commented on the fact that I have been widowed twice and that they don’t think that they could do it again.
I would have said the same thing 5 years ago. And I don’t wish a widow repeat on anybody, but we humans are amazingly resilient. I can say this now, 5 months into my second husband’s death. 2 months ago, heck, 1 month ago, I was a shattered person, unable to do the simplest of life’s day-to-day activities. I just put one foot in front of the other, it was a great accomplishment to do the simplest of things – like getting out of bed, eating, showering. It isn’t easy. I think that I am more aware of my grief and my grief process this time. I sometimes think: oh, I remember this – this pain, this depression, this none stop crying, the constant stream of memories, the regrets, the deep, deep sorrow, and the inability to function. But the early years (yes, years) of my first loss are a blur, just as these years will be too, except that now I am keeping this blog as well as a personal journal of memories and photos. I am honouring this process more this time – I am doing less and being more. I am remembering and missing 2 wonderful men. Sometimes it is overwhelming to realize that I have been with two beautiful men who were so special and whom I loved so much and they both have been lost to me without my desire to do so. Widowhood is not like divorce, it is forced upon us, it is so, so final. I will have no more conversations or sightings. I will never hear their voices or see their faces again.
It just isn’t fair is it? But not long after my first love died, I did learn that love will return, that you can love another man just as intensely but so, so differently and that we have an amazing capacity to love. I have learned that “stuff” is not important, but that human connection is what is important and that people are what make this life worthwhile. I have learned who my true friends and family are and how important they are to me. I have learned to not sweat the small stuff and to be patient with others and myself. I have learned to honour my thoughts and feelings, to be authentic and present and call people on their bullshit in a matter of fact yet tactful manner. But I am still in so much pain and have a long ways to go before I will feel whole again. And I guess because I have done this before, I know that it is possible.